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I work in the library computer lab four days a week. I have my "own" computer and table, shared with the other lab monitors. It has it's own computer with a sign reading, "Reserved for Lab Monitor," a bottle of Germ-X, a stapler, and a box of Kleenex.

The library director (my mom) bought about 50,000 purple pens that have the name of the library stamped on the side. They're very nice pens, and there's a mug of them sitting on my little table with the other supplies for students' use.

And every time I come in here, someone has taken out the highlighter, the pencil, and the one non-matching pen, and set them on the table next to the mug. This is just beyond my comprehension -- because what's wrong with keeping all the writing utensils together in a place where they can't roll onto the floor and get lost?

Yet it never, never fails -- as soon as I get here I gather them up and put them back with the rest of the matching pens. It's not a major annoyance so much as a constant slight peeve. And then I have to turn around and wonder -- am I driving someone else crazy? What is with my need to have the desk tidy? Why do I have to MIX THESE PENS TOGETHER??

So I ask you, unknown OCDer: Why must you segregate these pens???
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Curtis and Chris and I shot this last night in about an hour, then Curtis edited it together over night. Uhmmm... I think it's pretty funny. Willing participant, much?

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Part I

Part II

Part III

You’ve come a long way, from that schmuck on the street to the powerful leader of many small and poor countries. With your excellent leadership, those same countries are flourishing, and your days of black mask banditry are behind you. Now you can draw in the wealth of nations.

Your assassinations will be a lot more difficult at this point. It’s time to go after the super powers, the big leaders, the shakers who move on a global scale.

You may be feeling a bit stressed out now. I recommend a massage. Then get back to work.

There are three ways to go here: China, America, or Europe. China will no doubt involve a war, so I suggest waiting until you have America and Europe under your thumb. Both of these are tricky, however, as they have a system in place to guard against the very thing you are trying to do. And by this time, they’ve noticed you, so it’s even trickier.

Now, depending on how long you’ve been about this, you’ll have to assassinate either President Bush III or President Bush IV.* As well as this, you’ll have to go through the long line of succession, until you’re down to paltry senators and people who never expected to get bumped to President by means of assassination. Mass bombing may be effective but will require quite a lot of clean up. You may prefer a method that leaves buildings more intact. The key is to be in charge of the military. Once you’ve got that done, it’s all about the chain of command, and you have the majority of the armed population available for your use.**,***

Europe will take all your skill, charm, ingenuity, and a lot of money. (See why you have to start saving up in Part I?) Assassinations, blackmail, bribery, “accidents,” etc. You should probably go one country at a time, but you might be able to consolidate. They are small countries, after all. Good luck with that.****

Once you’ve got America and Europe under your control, it’s time to conquer China. This will be a long and grueling part of things, but you aren’t in this for the instant gratification! And it’s all downhill from there. After you’ve got China, you can mop up the rest of the world easily.*****

In conclusion: Obviously, this isn’t simple. But the whole point is that you can achieve anything if you properly apply yourself. Hard work can get you anywhere! Perhaps you can even find some shortcuts, like an alien attack—which always has a tendency to unite the world, giving you less unification to do, yourself. And maybe YOU don’t want to dominate the world, but at least now you know, with some good old fashioned hard work, you can do anything.

*If you haven’t been properly applying yourself, you might be looking at President Bush V. That’s just pathetic.
**Although, there may be more people armed in the south, but the army has better weapons.
***Although, people might have better weapons in most of the inner cities, but the army has more weapons.
****What? You think I’m going to tell you EVERYTHING you have to do? This Guide is satire with limited political commentary. You have to figure some things out by yourself.
*****Except for Japan. I’m going there to play video games and learn Aikido. Get out.
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Part I

Part II

So: you’ve got money. In fact, you’ve built up a monetary empire. People know your name in the underworld as someone canny and sharp.* Now it’s time to put those hard earned assets to work. You’ve been at this for a long time, and you’re ready to reward yourself with a little bit of carefully sown chaos.

Be careful when hiring your mercenaries, and remember, remember, remember: mercenaries are only on your side as long as you’re paying them. However, you do want intelligent people, not thugs. You need adaptable people who are able to follow orders but also to improvise when things don’t go according to plan. You will win points with them mostly by paying them, but also because they will realize that you recognize their intelligence. You don’t need to trust them, but you should at least make it apparent that you count on them to conduct your business professionally.

If you play your cards right, you can spend money to make money here. Mercs can take over your basic bank robbing needs, or whatever other dirty work you need them to cover. This is good, because at this point, you seriously need to expand your network. Travel and talk are the keys here.

You need to ooze schmooze.** By now you should have enough criminal dealings and contacts to get you introduced at most parties. Just remember to present yourself as charming and powerful, and soon you’ll be rubbing elbows with the movers and shakers. I recommend starting in the third world*** countries.

Essentially, you are getting yourself in place, and once you have the right contacts, the right blackmail and bribery information, and the general right stuff, you can start with the assassinations. That’s right.


Now, this cannot be haphazard. This part of the Guide is key. I suggest starting with smaller, lower powered countries again, both for practice and because the Rest of the World won’t realize what you’re doing immediately. Truthfully, you don’t want to be associated with these assassinations, if possible. You want to step in and pick up the pieces. This may not be practical if your networking isn’t extensive enough, but you should have made enough contacts by now to be able to get yourself invited to the real policy parties. Be the one to step in with the answers. This is where the history will really come in handy. You should know how to manage a country by now, and manage it prosperously. Of course, the people who have been living rich while the rest of the country suffers might not like your attitude, but again, that’s what you have assassins for.

You may be wondering, at this point, why you shouldn’t just be one of the rich people preying on the poor. Well, the answer is, at this point, you are. But to keep the money coming in, you need to produce. Perhaps child labor is the way to do this, but in the end, the countries you’ve taken over will be richer if you follow the schematics of capitalism, rather than communism. Remember: there are still a lot of poor people in America. The rich people are just a lot richer.

Recommended reading for this segment: Machiavelli’s The Prince, Tso’s The Art of War, Watterson’s The Complete Calvin & Hobbes.

*At least if you’ve been doing all this Correctly.
**Forgive me; I couldn’t resist. You can annihilate me later.
***I believe this term is no longer PC but hey, this is a World Dominance guide, so you can change the term to whatever you like.

Part IV
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Part I

Now, you’ve started to get your act together. You may have gotten some local (and myspace) name recognition. You’re reading up on your Rulers of the Past. All your money is going toward that education.* What’s next?

It’s vital to concentrate on your personality. Your charm and charisma will get you places that threats will never take you. Although money is quite the wheel greaser, you’ll still need to be able to convince people that you mean what you say. If you tell someone that the sky is green and they don’t believe you, you still need to work on this.

You really need to get the cash flow going. I recommend going both legally and illegally. Legally especially if you haven’t revealed your big plans, and also advisable as a shell within which to conceal the less legal aspects of your business.

For starters I suggest going Non-profit. People are eager to trust "non-profit" organizations, because it’s clear that they aren’t out for their own best interest. However, it’s relatively easy to funnel money out of those accounts and into your very own profit organization. Many a profitable non-profit organization has gotten away with this; you can, too.

With some consideration, you should be able to play the stock market at a profit. I have no further advice to offer on this aspect of the plan.

Onto the illegal** stuff. By now, you should at the very least be looking into scams. “There’s a sucker born every minute,” a somewhat-ridiculous-but-working-in-a-circus-so-it-made-sense man once said, and you should be taking advantage of that. Sure, start off with street stuff. Con people out of the money for gas and those bumper stickers. But you need to move up, and quickly. I’m talking Nigerian Scam scale. Social Security number scale. The bigger the better; petty theft isn’t the way to go. Remember: if it’s not worth making a movie about, it’s not worth your time.

Just don’t get caught. That would not be at all productive to your goals.

Basically, you need to build up that capital that I’ve spoken of before. It is absolutely vital to Part III that you have the proper resources. If you can’t get into the millionaire category, you at least need a ready supply of cash and the ability to get more, quickly. How you do this is up to you: bank robberies, diamond trade, drugs, arms, whatever. Just remember—Get Rich Quick schemes that work are never legal.

*Student loans are a good idea here; you won't need to pay them back once you are In Charge of Everything.
**and far more interesting

Part III

Part IV
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I was recently discussing with a friend the merits of applying oneself. I told him he could accomplish a lot of he applied himself, but added that it would depend on what his goals were. "World dominance," was the answer. To prove my point, I am creating this guide to world dominance, so that everyone understands that any goal can be reached with the application of self.

First of all, I don’t want to suggest for a moment that this will be easy. You’ll have to apply yourself fully, every day, to achieve this end. There will hardly be time to rest between all you need to do--but remember, a good night’s sleep is vital to keep your wits sharp.

To begin: no more frivolous spending. World domination takes a lot of starting capital, so next time you feel like fast food, make yourself a sandwich instead. Video games might be fun, but you want to conquer the real world, and they won’t help with that.*

That is a fairly simple step, although it does involve some severe discipline. Just remember: you have a big goal here. It’s not to be undertaken lightly, and if you’re going to be sidetracked by a Blockbuster movie sale or the new Harry Potter book, world dominance is not for you.

It’s important to start networking NOW. Of course at this point you’re years from your dream, but networking with the right people can take a long time. I recommend buttons, bumper stickers, and a website as soon as possible. Get a street team to start putting the word out.** Make a myspace group.***

Now, you’ll need a good education. The bigger and better the education, the better off you’ll be in the long run. The population is more inclined to trust the word of a Harvard Grad than someone who went to Coffeyville Community College, let alone Podunk High. Not only do you need the credit, but you need to be smart. There is no way you can pull this off if you’re questioning your own intelligence.^

And speaking of trust, you’ll have to have an advisory council of people you can trust. I recommend that you start talking to your friends about this right away. Maybe you don’t want to reveal your plans outright, but you should definitely start probing to see who will fit into what role best.

You won’t be able to do this alone.^^ Figure out who you need, and where you need them, and you’re half way there.^^^

Lastly (for this part of things), I recommend reading up on your history. “But,” you may wonder, “why do I have to worry about this if I’m getting such a good education?” You cannot possibly know enough about previous dictatorships, assassinations, and the way the world has worked for the recorded history of the human race. Learn from THEIR mistakes; that’s what history books are for. Better to be prepared than to think, “Hmmm I suppose I should have read more about Louis XVI,” as your head rolls away from your body.

**This is where that money you starting saving starts draining back out.
***Any self promotion you can do for free is good.
^If you are wondering if you’re smart enough to do this, you aren’t. Trust me.
^^At least not at first.
^^^Not really halfway but it might feel good to think of it that way.

Part II

Part III

Part IV


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