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World Dominance: A Guide (Part IV)
Part I
Part II
Part III
You’ve come a long way, from that schmuck on the street to the powerful leader of many small and poor countries. With your excellent leadership, those same countries are flourishing, and your days of black mask banditry are behind you. Now you can draw in the wealth of nations.
Your assassinations will be a lot more difficult at this point. It’s time to go after the super powers, the big leaders, the shakers who move on a global scale.
You may be feeling a bit stressed out now. I recommend a massage. Then get back to work.
There are three ways to go here: China, America, or Europe. China will no doubt involve a war, so I suggest waiting until you have America and Europe under your thumb. Both of these are tricky, however, as they have a system in place to guard against the very thing you are trying to do. And by this time, they’ve noticed you, so it’s even trickier.
Now, depending on how long you’ve been about this, you’ll have to assassinate either President Bush III or President Bush IV.* As well as this, you’ll have to go through the long line of succession, until you’re down to paltry senators and people who never expected to get bumped to President by means of assassination. Mass bombing may be effective but will require quite a lot of clean up. You may prefer a method that leaves buildings more intact. The key is to be in charge of the military. Once you’ve got that done, it’s all about the chain of command, and you have the majority of the armed population available for your use.**,***
Europe will take all your skill, charm, ingenuity, and a lot of money. (See why you have to start saving up in Part I?) Assassinations, blackmail, bribery, “accidents,” etc. You should probably go one country at a time, but you might be able to consolidate. They are small countries, after all. Good luck with that.****
Once you’ve got America and Europe under your control, it’s time to conquer China. This will be a long and grueling part of things, but you aren’t in this for the instant gratification! And it’s all downhill from there. After you’ve got China, you can mop up the rest of the world easily.*****
In conclusion: Obviously, this isn’t simple. But the whole point is that you can achieve anything if you properly apply yourself. Hard work can get you anywhere! Perhaps you can even find some shortcuts, like an alien attack—which always has a tendency to unite the world, giving you less unification to do, yourself. And maybe YOU don’t want to dominate the world, but at least now you know, with some good old fashioned hard work, you can do anything.
*If you haven’t been properly applying yourself, you might be looking at President Bush V. That’s just pathetic.
**Although, there may be more people armed in the south, but the army has better weapons.
***Although, people might have better weapons in most of the inner cities, but the army has more weapons.
****What? You think I’m going to tell you EVERYTHING you have to do? This Guide is satire with limited political commentary. You have to figure some things out by yourself.
*****Except for Japan. I’m going there to play video games and learn Aikido. Get out.
Part II
Part III
You’ve come a long way, from that schmuck on the street to the powerful leader of many small and poor countries. With your excellent leadership, those same countries are flourishing, and your days of black mask banditry are behind you. Now you can draw in the wealth of nations.
Your assassinations will be a lot more difficult at this point. It’s time to go after the super powers, the big leaders, the shakers who move on a global scale.
You may be feeling a bit stressed out now. I recommend a massage. Then get back to work.
There are three ways to go here: China, America, or Europe. China will no doubt involve a war, so I suggest waiting until you have America and Europe under your thumb. Both of these are tricky, however, as they have a system in place to guard against the very thing you are trying to do. And by this time, they’ve noticed you, so it’s even trickier.
Now, depending on how long you’ve been about this, you’ll have to assassinate either President Bush III or President Bush IV.* As well as this, you’ll have to go through the long line of succession, until you’re down to paltry senators and people who never expected to get bumped to President by means of assassination. Mass bombing may be effective but will require quite a lot of clean up. You may prefer a method that leaves buildings more intact. The key is to be in charge of the military. Once you’ve got that done, it’s all about the chain of command, and you have the majority of the armed population available for your use.**,***
Europe will take all your skill, charm, ingenuity, and a lot of money. (See why you have to start saving up in Part I?) Assassinations, blackmail, bribery, “accidents,” etc. You should probably go one country at a time, but you might be able to consolidate. They are small countries, after all. Good luck with that.****
Once you’ve got America and Europe under your control, it’s time to conquer China. This will be a long and grueling part of things, but you aren’t in this for the instant gratification! And it’s all downhill from there. After you’ve got China, you can mop up the rest of the world easily.*****
In conclusion: Obviously, this isn’t simple. But the whole point is that you can achieve anything if you properly apply yourself. Hard work can get you anywhere! Perhaps you can even find some shortcuts, like an alien attack—which always has a tendency to unite the world, giving you less unification to do, yourself. And maybe YOU don’t want to dominate the world, but at least now you know, with some good old fashioned hard work, you can do anything.
*If you haven’t been properly applying yourself, you might be looking at President Bush V. That’s just pathetic.
**Although, there may be more people armed in the south, but the army has better weapons.
***Although, people might have better weapons in most of the inner cities, but the army has more weapons.
****What? You think I’m going to tell you EVERYTHING you have to do? This Guide is satire with limited political commentary. You have to figure some things out by yourself.
*****Except for Japan. I’m going there to play video games and learn Aikido. Get out.